The Zen Tip to Get All You Want in Parenting

Attractive Kukai's Wisdom

As parents, we inherently want the best for our children, which can sometimes lead us into the trap of comparison. Zen has the hint to get rid of this trap.

Kukai (774-835) was a prominent Japanese monk during the Heian period, recognized as the founder of Shingon Buddhism. He also significantly influenced Zen practices. One of his powerful teachings emphasized the importance of releasing comparisons with others. According to Kukai, when we let go of the need to measure ourselves against others, we open ourselves up to receive our true desires. This concept can be especially challenging for parents, who often face dual layers of comparison: our own achievements and those of our children.

The Challenges of Parental Comparison

We might focus on our child’s peers' accomplishments and unconsciously compare our child's progress to that of others. This can create unnecessary stress for both us and our children, making it difficult to appreciate their unique paths. For instance, when my daughter's high school entrance exam didn’t go as planned, I found myself disappointed as I compared her to her academically gifted friends. In that moment, it was easy to overlook her innate strengths and joy.

Finding Clarity Through Zen Practices

It was a pivotal conversation with my father that changed my perspective. He started “ Hey, relax. It’s perfect”. His next words reminded me to take a step back and see how joyfully she approached her high school life, regardless of the exam results. This moment was truly eye-opening; I realized that success cannot solely be measured by grades or rankings. Our children are more than just scores on a paper—they are vibrant individuals with their own dreams.

Embracing a Zen spirit allows us to step away from harmful comparisons and refocus on our children's happiness. In adopting this mindset, we can support them in their journeys while also giving ourselves permission to stop evaluating our worth based on external standards. My daughter eventually found her passion and landed her dream job after university, proving that when we lean into joy rather than comparison, fulfillment follows.

Let's practice the Zen approach that Kukai advocated: releasing the need to compare ourselves and our children with others. As we embrace each step of their journey, we create an environment where their unique talents and happiness can flourish. By letting go of comparison, we make space for our hearts' true desires to come to fruition, ultimately leading to attract anything we want.