The Simplest Tip to Balance Affection Among Siblings : Navigating Unequal Love

The Reality of Sibling Love

In both Japan and the United States, the notion of parental love has always been a topic of intrigue and reflection. Many parents unknowingly exhibit a distinct preference for one child over the others, which can lead to emotional distress for the siblings involved. I have often observed this phenomenon in various settings, such as during today’s visit to Jiyugaoka, where familial dynamics unfold in candid ways. Even as an only child with a late dog who held a special place in my heart, I found it difficult to deny the complexities involved in loving our loved ones equally.

The Birth of Different Affections

For parents, the struggle to love children equally is exacerbated by numerous factors including age, temperament, and individual needs. The lingering sentimental weight of attention and care can often tip the scales. I remember a poignant moment from my childhood when I was around ten years old. My mother shared a newspaper column that encouraged parents to consider the emotional ramifications of favoring younger children. She said ‘ I decided to embrace this perspective’. Her words made me acutely aware of my own perceived lack of attention as the eldest child. I felt miserable. It is this disparity that can create feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and resentment amongst siblings.

How to Address Unequal Love

It is generally said that thoughtful efforts, like spending dedicated time with each child or acknowledging the unique traits of each sibling, can assuage feelings of neglect. But I think you already know these tips well yet find it hard to act. Given the insights gleaned from both my experience and observations, I rather urge parents to reflect on how their subtle behaviors might reveal an unequal distribution of affection. While it may be challenging to express identical love for every child, even small, conscious adjustments can help avoid favoritism. For example, if you often call your favorite child’s name first without realizing it, consider varying the order. Such simple changes can prevent inadvertently hurting the other children. In Japan, there’s an old saying “弘法も筆の誤り”, translating even a great master of calligraphy Kobo makes mistakes. The end goal should be just to ensure that every child knows they are valued.

Please remember, expressions of love may differ depending on the situation. When my younger sister became a teenager, my mother began to care more about me than before. However, I wish she hadn’t said she had ‘decided’ to make more of an effort to love me. It made me feel as though her love was out of a sense of obligation. No ‘more effort’ is needed.

Long story short, while loving your children differently may seem inevitable, it is crucial to simply demonstrate care for all. As parents reflect on their actions, the aim should be to mitigate the impact of perceived favoritism. No child should feel diminished in regards to affection. By doing so, we not only cultivate a harmonious family dynamic but also enhance each child's self-worth, laying the groundwork for becoming the best version of themselves.