From Wounds to Victory : Parenting After a Toxic Childhood

Feeling Lost About Parenting Because of “毒親”?

In Japan, the word 毒親 (dokuoya)—meaning “toxic parent”—has become widely recognized. It describes parents who dominate their children through excessive control, harsh words, or even violence. The concept isn’t new; traces of such parenting can be seen throughout Japanese history, from ancient emperors to modern times.

Toxic parents often prioritize their own needs over their child’s, creating unhealthy family dynamics. For those raised in such environments, stepping into parenthood can feel especially daunting—how do you become a good parent when you’ve never seen one?

How to Find Meaning in Parenting

Growing up with a toxic parent often brings deep emotional hurdles. Many adult children of such parents feel hesitant—or even unworthy—of stepping into the role of parenthood. I struggled with this myself. I had unknowingly internalized many toxic patterns, and I couldn’t see what was so charming about becoming a parent.

But when I gave birth to my daughter, something surprising happened: I naturally sensed a quiet but powerful ability to break the cycle. I knew I never wanted to become like my own parents—and that determination became my driving force.

I know it’s not easy for anyone. While it’s often said that abused children become abusive parents, research shows this isn’t always true. In fact, realizing that I could choose the opposite of what my assertive, controlling parents had done was incredibly freeing.

Even if it’s hard to find meaning in parenting at first, stopping the cycle of neglect and control can itself become a deeply meaningful purpose—one that makes the world a kinder place.

Why Parenting Might Be Easier for You

For those of us who’ve experienced toxic parenting, raising a child can also be especially rewarding. Dedicating yourself to your child’s well-being can lead to profound transformation—not just for them, but for you as well.

Because I had longed for the freedom to choose my own clothes, hairstyle, or school, I made a quiet promise to be a supportive, encouraging parent. I worked to create a space where my daughter could grow into her full potential. The result was more than I imagined: today, she is not only thriving professionally but also feels deeply loved and understood—things I never felt as a child.

It was unlucky to have a toxic parent. But once you become a parent yourself, you are truly lucky—and blessed. Why? Because good parents never show you what “toxic” looks like. You’ve seen it, and you know what not to do. With that awareness, and a little determination, it becomes surprisingly natural to become a kind, capable, and emotionally present parent.

As you begin or continue your own parenting journey, remember: your past pain can become a powerful parenting guide. You don’t have to stay in the shadows of your childhood. Instead, let those experiences point you toward what not to repeat—and what you wish you had received.

Create a nurturing space that honors your child’s emotional and mental well-being. And know this: the fact that you’re seeking answers and reflection already shows you’re on the path of a good parent.

In short, if you were raised by a toxic parent—whether in Japan or elsewhere—you have the rare and precious opportunity to write a different story. By consciously choosing to act against the patterns of your past, you can build a legacy of love. The power is already within you to redefine what it means to be a parent. And in doing so, you become a quiet beacon of hope for the next generation.